CringeMart forgot the hemorrhoids.
A formal petition to DoorDash, from the Totally Normal Company.
DoorDash built a store for everything you’d rather not buy in person. Condom aisle: yes. Laxatives: yes. Gas-X made the cut. Hemorrhoid care — the thing 3 out of 4 adults will need, the single most whispered-about product in the pharmacy — nowhere to be found.
We checked. Twice.
We, the undersigned, being of sound mind and normal body, respectfully note:
You built a store for every purchase nobody wants to make eye contact buying. It is honestly great.
Your own press release names hemorrhoid cream — the walk to the pharmacy counter with that “single box” is your opening argument.
We searched CringeMart for hemorrhoid relief. 171 results. An enema. Wet wipes. Vagisil. Zero hemorrhoid care.
Seventy-five percent of adults will deal with hemorrhoids at some point. That is not a niche. That is almost everyone at this party.
We therefore ask that hemorrhoid care be stocked on CringeMart — and honestly, everywhere essentials are sold. No aisle. No eye contact. No shame. Delivered.
Add your name.
It’s the normal thing to do.
You did a normal thing.
Because hemorrhoids are normal. Your name is on the list, and DoorDash will be hearing from all of us.
Now do the second most normal thing and send this to the friend who’s been suffering in silence.